Trying to make sense

I've spent the last week trying to make sense of my feelings. It's hard when on the surface it's because I "feel fat" but as they say 'fat' isn't a feeling. So what is it that is causing me to feel this way?

This week has been hard. Work has been overwhelming me with what I feel is too much responsibility too soon and my concentration has been shot which has caused me to make mistakes in my work, only minor ones with minimal consequences, but my perfectionist attitude towards certain things has been making me beat myself up.

Thought pattern: I did x wrong - I'm a terrible nurse - I'm a terrible person - I can't do anything right - I can be good at starving myself - if I lose weight things won't feel so bad - if I lose weight things won't hurt so much.

Irrational I know - to a sane person this chain of thought makes little or no sense. To me however, it makes perfect sense - at the time.

Thought modification:  Everone makes mistakes every now and then - I will learn and do better next time - I do plenty of other things right - last time I starved myself I could no longer work at all - I nearly never made it to being a nurse at all - I was never good enough - never thin enough - if I hadn't chosen to recover I would be dead.

These are things I have to remind myself every day, the thoughts I have to drum into my head to keep going through every hurdle, every meal time, every grocery shopping trip. But I do keep going and for every hurdle I cross the further I am from that miserable empty life of weakness, pain, numbness and isolation that Anorexia brought me.